just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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