arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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