You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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