bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
