If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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