ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
