Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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