There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My vagina is very pro this idea
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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