please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
