You smell like a Billy Joel song
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
