Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize