I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize