Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
