We won't sleep together?
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you traded sex for a burrito?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
