Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am naked and annoyed.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
