my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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