I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
