Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
