I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
two words...techno handjob
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
