Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
