I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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