I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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