Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
