I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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