so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize