As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
