What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
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