Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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