Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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