I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just want nice things and good sex
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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