aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
