Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
