Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
