come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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