what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize