please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
