FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
