A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
