so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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