I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
