my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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