One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
