I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
