What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
