My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
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