I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
