Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
