I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize