I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
It's shark week go big or go home
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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