I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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