I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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