if i can run in heels then i can drive
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
They have beer where we have blood.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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