Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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