at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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