the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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