glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
How does it feel to date your dad?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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