just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
