masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
We have so much sex to catch up on
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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