OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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