Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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