just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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