his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
