I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
