hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
