If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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